August 30: Talk on Transiton, Grief and Loss

Hello everyone. I am glad that tonight I have the chance to share with you about and transition, grief and loss. In an international community like this we experience all sorts of transitions. Even more than in other types of community. And tonight I will share with you about the biblical grieving model that we talked about in our CA staff conference this past week in Portugal. It is different from the world’s way of doing grief. These four pieces to the grieving process are not just necessary for the loss of a loved one in death. They are relevant every time we experience a transition because every time we have a change of seasons in our lives we must leave behind the past season and our life as we once new it to embrace the current season we are in; loss and all.

Sometimes we are unaware of how these changes affect us. Often the intellectual side knows it is ok to move on. It makes sense. But the emotional side of our brain operates on a different system and often doesn’t understand. We may feel betrayed or abandoned might need to forgive; even if we can see where someone is coming from.

I think it is important to talk about in the open and to share our common experiences.

It has been a challenge for me over the past three years to keep a soft heart in the middle of all the transition taking place around me an in my own world. It takes work to keep a soft heart soft. And look to make deep friendships with people without fear of the loss that will happen.

Some transitions happen to us but others are necessary changes that we make if we are to grow and challenge ourselves to live full lives. But no matter if we choose to make the transition or if it happens to us, along with transition always comes loss; a loss of what once was.
Unless we do this work together we will be unable to reach out to others and have soft hearts to make deep friendships.

The world has a certain way of handling loss and it was studied by Kubler- Ross. And they came up with five stages of the way we handle loss. I will say right away that three of these are not included in the biblical model for handling loss.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Depression
4. Bargaining
5. Acceptance
Denial, Anger and Bargaining all come from a false perspective on life.
They are all valid emotions that need to be brought out into the light with God and not stuffed but they are not all useful in dealing with reality of the situation.

These false perspectives come form our ideas of “the way things should be”. But do not stop to look at the reality of the situation to see that loss happens all the time in our broken world. We live in a broken world ever since the fall in the garden. We have no guarantee that things will happen the way we want them to. In fact Jesus tells us the opposite is true. He say,
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” –John 16:33
He says that troubles will happen. We are not exempt from them. But he will be with us in the troubles and promises us the peace of knowing that there is a life in a better world after this one to come.

When we come with this perspective we won’t be surprised when things don’t happen the way that we want them to. So the Bible’s response to loss starts with
Acceptance
We believe that God is just and good and that He does not allow worthless things to happen.

When we start with acceptance Psalm 90 tells us it brings us a heart of wisdom.
Psalm 90 vs 12 talks about our awareness of death.
“So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.”

Not all of our awareness of loss is about death but each thing we lose is a type of death. When we have awareness we know to “teach us to number our days in _____ ex this job, or with this friend, or in this home. We know that they are not meant to last as they are forever. The problem comes when we watch movies that tell us we should die at the exact same time as our spouse or when we get thoughts that we will always have this car just as nice as it is now etc..
We start to construct Idols when we believe that life is other than it really is. An idol is some distortion designed to exempt us from facing truths.

When we hold on too tightly to anything other than God (like the things we filled into the blank above) we make an idol of it. Even good things like family or jobs can become an idol when we place undue weight on them and are not willing to give them up when God calls us to.

I think that when God called Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, he was preventing Abraham from making Isaac into an idol. He had anticipated this promised son for so long and with such great longing that when he received him as God promised there was the danger that Abraham would put more value on who God gave him that on God himself and whenever we put someone or something above God we are creating an idol. God wanted the willingness on Abraham’s part for him to sacrifice Isaac for God. When God saw that Abraham was willing to sacrifice even his only son he knew that Abraham worshiped Him alone. God won’t always call us to sacrifice what is most important to us, in fact He usually doesn’t, but when we are unwilling to sacrifice something we have made an idol of it.

When this experience was done Abraham experienced freedom and blessing that would not be possible otherwise (if he had held on to his idol). When we are not dismantling an idol we can start at acceptance and skip the steps of anger and depression and bargaining.


Sorrow
Jesus was a man of sorrows. Let’s look at John 12:35 It’s about as short of a verse as you can get. Two words.
“Jesus wept.”
Jesus was deeply moved over the loss of his friend Lazarus. And Ecc. Shows that wisdom starts in sorrow. It is beneficial to give us a proper perspective on our fallen world. We know that things aren’t the way that God says they should be.

But Matthew 5:4 Jesus say that those who mourn will be comforted. Grief and morning give us access to comfort and freedom. We can find healing in Christ.

Unhealthy families pretend like nothing happened but healthy families process grief together. They bring it out into the light and are not afraid to talk about it.
Let’s take a look at acts 20:36-38 where Paul is leaving the Ephesians church.
“When he had said this, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him. What grieved them most was his statement that they would never see his face again. Then they accompanied him to the ship.”
Paul and his church do not shake hands stoically or stuff down all of their emotions. They don’t vent every thought either but they do weep together and pray together and kiss goodbye. They grieve the fact that they will never see Paul again openly and they are aware that this is for real. They don’t live under the illusion that things will be the same, denying the reality of the situation. They don’t bargain with God or get angry with God or each other. They pray to God. They embrace each other and accept the transition and change with grief.

Thankfulness
Thankfulness is the source of relief for grief.
A man who had gone through a very deep loss explains gratefulness in this way. “If all is of grace and nothing is earned and all we have has been given to us by God” than the only appropriate response is thanks.
“All that we have we have received from God” 1 Cor. 4:7
Can we be thankful for the people and things that God put into our lives to color our lives forever? thankful for what they brought you and what they left with you. Thankful that God has used this to shape my soul (loss included- God doesn't allow worthless things to happen). God redeems them.
Ex chris- very impacted by this. Never gave thanks that these people were in his life.
We need to be able to lead our hearts with truth.

Hope
In 1Thessalonians 4 Paul tells believers that “We are not to grieve as the world grieves, as those who have no hope. “Be joyful in hope” Romans 12:12a
Hope leads to joy. Joy is different from happiness. Joy is not contingent on outside circumstances but on hope. Our hope is not in things seen but in eternal things, which are things unseen.
Jesus says in John 11:24-26
Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”
Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

I like that.
We have hope that Jesus will resurrect thing not only in the next life at the last day but also in this life.


Should not rush these stages. Should not ignore them either.

Nothing we do for God will be wasted. God wastes no investment of yours. So be fully present no matter what circumstance you are in or how long you have because it all counts for something. Each bit of love that we give out matters to God.

My heart behind all this is to ask you to continue to make deep relationships constantly. Don’t be afraid of the pain and loss that may accompany them. Grief is the price of love but surely it is “better to have loved and lost _____________than never to have loved at all.”


We are two weeks away from Rentree and I guess that makes this the last service of this past year and we are about to embark on a new journey and write a new story of ICCP for the coming 50 weeks. By the next time we walk through these doors on Sept 20th a lot will have changed in most of our worlds. School will be in full swing, vacations will be over, new lives will have started. My hope is that we move, fully present and hope filled into this next season as a church. That we will have been able to grieve properly our past season of life. In order for us to welcome in the new people in our lives, the new friends in our lives, the new teachers in our lives- and the new season in our life.




Reflection questions to go with the themed songs

1) Awareness:
Lord teach me to number our days in___________, That I may present to You a heart of wisdom

2) Sorrow:
What change have you experienced that you need to grieve?


3) Thankfulness:
What or who have you lost that you are thankful that God put into your life?

3) Hope:
Q What is your hope for ICCP. Please share it with us by placing it on the back of the blue card.


On the Leaf:
“ Our natural tendency is to live in the past or in the future and avoid the responsibility necessary to live in the moment. I would argue that all three seasons are needed for us to confront reality. There are some who live in the moment without responsibility for the consequences that the past and future demand, while others avoid the moment by worrying and regretting what has happened or might happen.” Hud McW

Leaf:
Q What has God taught you in the present or past season of life? How did you grow?
Q How can God use you in this next season?